“Hello; I’m chief anchor Brad Pitt; and this BNN.
In today’s top political story, President Charles Manson condemned recent gratuitous cigarette advertisements in children’s periodicals and television programming. He complained that they are too subtle and ineffectual in their efforts to recruit adolescent smokers. He called for a full congressional moratorium on all vice related ads targeting pre-teens. He stressed that there must be a noticeable increase in sexual innuendoes to entice their impressionable minds. President Manson also pointed out the great importance in luring these addicts-to-be; to ensure the future stability of the healthcare, tobacco and mortuary industries.
“By their premature deaths and chronic heath issues, our medical and pharmaceutical economy will be supported!”; He proclaimed in earnest.
The President then announced he has appointed defrocked ministers Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggart as his top moral advisors in the newly formed: ‘Vice Recruit Task Force’; or V.R.T.F. The Commander-In-Chief made a series of unprovoked terrorist threats to reporters in the front row of the press pool before returning to his articulate, clearly worded speech. Citing Swaggart and Bakker’s vast experience in carnal corruption as key factors in his decision to choose them; he proudly boasted that: “The youth of today have no chance in thinking for themselves!”
We will keep you updated on this story as more lurid details come available.
In Entertainment news, Disneyco announced they were in the process of adapting a musical version of The Marquis De Sade’s classic children’s fable: ‘120 Days of Sodom’. The art house film is reputed to run almost three hours long and will feature an all midget, Shakespearean cast performing ‘money shots’ on queue. ‘Gangsta rap’ recording artist Michael Jackson is under contract to record the soundtrack as soon as he recovers from a competition weightlifting injury at the Winter Olympics in Candyland. Harvard Scholar Brittany Spears has decided to set aside her impressive ballet career to join the ‘Piece corps’ so she can devote her life to bettering humanity through modest clothing styles.
In other entertainment news; despite resurrection rumors to the contrary, Kurt Cobain is still dead. We’ll be right back after 14 pointless advertisements about tampons and chewing gum!
“Wouldn’t you like to earn less money and fritter away all your free time? Sure! We all would! But finding redundant ways of wasting time on get-rich-schemes and dead end jobs is something that the average American can only dream about. Now, you can study in the privacy of your own mobile home for a pseudo degree in any of our obsolete, unimportant fields not represented in today’s tough job market. We have several time wasting subjects to choose from! Call us today to learn how you can be on the road to another dead end career.”
“Hi, my name is ‘Jored’ and I’m a compensated endorser for this company, pretending to be a real customer. I’ve supposedly gained an amazing 126 pounds just by eating their bland, cold meat sandwiches. My employer: ‘Underground Train’, had created this entire ad campaign to cash in on the latest ‘weight gain’ craze that is infecting our chronically malnourished country.”
“With Gortex brand anal tampons, it seems like I can tolerate even the most stupid, asinine, sexist remarks from my idiot husband, without severing his penis while he sleeps! Try a box today or the next time you bleed uncontrollably from your intestinal tract! It’ll save you from jail time for felonious assault and allow you to wear white in impractical, unrealistic situations like the ones we show in the commercials. The manufacturer suggests that there is only a fractional chance of getting toxic shock syndrome from their generic, unsanitary, recycled paper product. Pick up a carton today!”
Welcome back to the broadcast, I’m your host, Brad Pitt. The American Family association; in their efforts to eradicate widespread moral oppression in the media and society at large; has filed multiple legal motions in the Sovereign Supreme Court of Judge Judy. They want hardcore pornography to be included on the internet for the first time; and for it to replace children’s cartoons on Saturday morning. A non-profit group known as ‘V.i.a.g.r.a.’; has stiffly petitioned the judicial branch of our government to allow their heavily solicited commercial e mail to bombard the millions of internet users who have repeatedly requesting their important messages. Until these critical rulings have been decided upon and handed down by Judge Nyland, internet users are unfortunately resigned to only use their computers for literate, educational purposes. With any luck, porn, ‘spam’ and ‘miscellaneous porn spam’ will finally be allowed on the internet in time for Joey Buttafuco / Patriot’s Day on February 29th.
In national news, heterosexual hate crimes have reached an all time high after another straight couple was chastised and verbally assaulted in notoriously conservative downtown San Francisco. 3 persons have been taken into custody in connection with the limp wristed assault but official charges are still pending bribes to key officials. One suspect reportedly remarked that she ‘didn’t care what straight-o’s did in the privacy of their trashy, color un-coordinated homes, but public displays of affection and holding hands make me sick’.
In an unrelated story, several higher learning institutions have come under fire after allegations were made of scholarships being misapplied to academically gifted students! Officials were quick to deny the allegations as ‘baseless’; and promised to provide proof of scholarships being awarded exclusively to illiterate athletes as the law dictates. In related news; complaints have been made by special interest groups about the near complete saturation in professional sports of Caucasian and Asian athletes. They allege that with no sports or music heroes to look up to, black youths have no choice but to idolize Scientists, Mathematicians and Authors. There was no immediate comment made in response by the Amish Athletic Association of America. More news in just a few minutes after this near eternal commercial break.
“Trouble with hay fever, rag weed or pet dander allergies? Talk to the cut rate ‘doctor’ on your poor excuse of an insurance plan, about the minimal benefits of Clorinex! He’ll warn you about the excessive side effects and potential life threatening complications you’ll experience which would render our product useless.”
(A shrill, high pitched voice announces: “This is B.N.N.”; on a reoccurring station promo in-between the station breaks.)
“Be sure to go see our mediocre Hollywood studio’s latest ‘stinkfest’ in theaters this weekend before it bombs! The ‘film critics’ on our payroll were bribed to give it ‘their highest praise!’ and ‘two thumbs way up!’. We ask that you blindly follow their transparent recommendations and see it now! As always, there will be lots of expensive, no talent stars, gratuitous explosions and a paper thin, 2 dimensional plot line (which the public has come to expect from us). The marketing department is desperate to recover the Studio’s 50 million dollar expense in CGI special effects before the public realizes they are watching a child’s cartoon story line in place of decent adult script writing. No matter how awful it is; we’ll continue to hype the hell out of it! Critics agree!”
On the international front, sociologists at Grand Canyon University are searching for reasons why the Middle East has remained the only stable region on Earth. With no wars or domestic conflicts to tarnish it’s paradise-like environment, they remain baffled why Hawaii, Canada and the Bahamas continue to have wars and border disputes for thousands of years. One Professor was quoted as saying: “Deeper study of heavenly locales like Syria, Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan, could teach mankind important lessons about how to develop paradise like the peaceful bliss of the middle east.”
Reported in the prestigious ‘Alabama Journal of Science and Down Home Cooking’; the obsolete and erroneous theories of ‘Evolution’ and ‘Natural Selection’ by pseudo biologist Charles Darwin has been completely debunked in recent months. The authentic Biblical tale of Creation is now unanimously accepted by all noted men of learning as the only valid explanation for how man came to be. Strengthening support for belief in the Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy, and Leprechauns is also growing daily in the academic community.
In modern medical developments; leading AMA doctors and surgeons around the country have started abandoning Western medicine in favor of more effective Eastern mysticism and healing techniques. A number of these medical research pioneers have reported impressive results with acupuncture therapy and metaphysical chi meditation; in place of traditional cures or surgery. Outdated ideas on sterile operation room environments have been replaced with organic, less time consuming ‘rinse only’ preparations, prior to surgery. The potential loss of lives due to this relaxation of bacterial cleansing techniques will be offset by valuable leisure time gained by overworked doctors and medical staff. That’s our report this evening. Thank you for watching Bizarro News Network.”