Dr. Domino tapped the microphone to quell the restless crowd and get their attention. Her poor friend and brilliant mentor Wallace Newton’s character was being assassinated worse than Lincoln at Ford’s theater. In order for the audience to take his warning seriously, she had to put the controversial revelation into terms they could better grasp and accept. She elected to start by broaching a question she had heard one of his numerous skeptics voice earlier.
“Why now?”; Shelia began with a dramatic, mocking flair. “After literally thousands of years of agricultural grain domestication, why would this three-leafed ivy plant decide to ‘fight back’ now? Why not in the Middle Ages, or way back in the time of the Pharaohs? We’ve been squeezing it out of its prime growing area for the duration of our recorded history. For anyone pondering why Toxicodendron radicans would suddenly weaponize against corn and wheat; the answer might initially escape you. It’s not really sudden at all. It might seem that way to us but the nervous system of plants is infinitely slower than ours to react. How many here have heard of gluten intolerance and celiac disease?”; She quizzed. “I bet all of you have. It’s likely that several of you are even affected by those grain-associated health conditions. This relatively recent intolerance to digesting wheat gluten is a actually a triggered manifestation of this war of the plants. The evolved poison ivy species came to realize that we were using its grain enemies for food. If it couldn’t stop us from planting and harvesting wheat, it would produce an airborne antibody reaction in the wheat kernel to render it useless to most of us.”
While not all in attendance were immediately swayed by her new supporting testimony, the wheels of open consideration were finally in motion. The science and medical communities had been searching for a few years to explain the sudden rise in gluten sensitivity. By pointing out that the nervous systems of plants were not nearly as quick to react to enemy threats, it made Dr. Newton’s unbelievable theory more plausible.
“Whooo hoooo!”; A recent convert to the controversial testimony exclaimed from the back of the room. “As if humanity needs another reason to eradicate that awful scourge from the face of the planet! Somehow I always break out in a rash from it every spring, I look forward to a world free of it.”
Dr. Domino and Dr. Newton looked at each other nervously. The crowd was about to get infinitely more agitated.
“Anyone of my nutritional peers in the room can tell you that corn, wheat, rice and other seed grains are completely without nutritional merit and cause obesity”; She began somberly. “Carbohydrates raise the glycemic index and add the dreaded ‘spare tires’ to our waistlines. They offer no vitamin or mineral benefit at all. They only give the human body empty sugar calories which our bodies convert into fat. It’s been that way from the very beginning of history but we are too addicted to the temporary euphoria of eating starches to recognize it. Since plant species have no physical means of moving from one location to another, nature helps them trick animals into consuming their seeds and spreading their DNA from one place to another.”
“Why are you giving us this oddly timed nutrition lesson, Shelia? We all know that bread and carbs are bad for us. We clearly need to all focus on an effective means of destroying the rogue ivy plants before they can do any more destruction to this ailing planet.”
“Because; in what will surely be the most unpopular announcement in history; we must destroy the Earth’s wheat and corn crops. As much as I personally hate getting poison ivy rashes and as much as I love eating junk food made from either corn or wheat, the grain plants are the true global scourge. Grains are the real poison of the Earth. They offer us useless carbohydrates and must all be destroyed to save mankind. Otherwise, the evolving ivy plant will retaliate in even greater measures. We can’t bargain or communicate with Toxicodendron radicans but it has achieved an unprecedented level of evolutionary achievement. For lack of a better term, this is the first known plant species to become ‘aware’. We already know it has the power to either destroy our species or spare it. Removing ‘competition’ that it should have never had and also eliminating the true source of carbohydrate poisons from the planet is the only solution. It’s the only way for this plague to end.”
Predictable widespread rioting and defensive fury over the controversial plan was swift and immediate. The national grain growers association and billions of carbohydrate addicted human beings fought against the plan to destroy all grain seed species worldwide. That is until their energy reserves collapsed and they were all forced to take naps.
Botanical experts hope that the evolved ivy species will recognize our deliberate efforts to destroy their enemies and finally see us as allies. Dr. Newton estimates this realization may come in as soon as seventy five years.